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The 2014-15 New York Knicks: A Show about Nothing

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Which Seinfeld Character is each Knick like?

As an avid watcher of Seinfeld, I often find myself calling events in my life, or the lives of others for that matter, “Seinfeld Episodes.” Generally it involves some bizarre situation, a relationship that continually goes downhill throughout, and often times characters wind up with a new problem at the end. Each character’s story is interesting in its own right, and they constantly look out for their own interests.

This, in a way, reflects the Knicks’ season. One might call a 5-31 start bizarre, considering the team has hung around in the majority of their losses, and even beat the Cavaliers on the road. The fan base started with a sense of optimism toward the roster and Phil Jackson’s plan, but some have already begun to question the map he’s laid out. We’re beginning to see some of the Knicks’ unattractive qualities and wonder whether or not they really fit the mold of the club going forward. Through it all, the majority are out to prove they deserve another contract when their current one is up. It’s all amounted to one of the NBA’s worst records.

The 2014-15 Knicks are a show about nothing. They have no real title aspirations, and with their own first round pick, have an incentive to lose games.

Without further ado, the cast:

 

Carmelo Anthony – Jerry Seinfeld

Carmelo’s quite obviously the main character here. He’s the biggest star on the team, the player with his head on the straightest, and you can always rely on him to be at the center of each game or episode. Jerry is the same way. He’s a recognized comedian, having appeared on late-night television, and Keith Hernandez is also a fan. Both are very good at what they do, and both have a hand in the production.

J.R. Smith – George Costanza

A lot of you on Twitter had different ideas for who the George of the Knicks is, but for me it’s J.R. He’s been his own worst enemy on so many occasions, as has George. He’s also best friends with Jerry, and we know J.R. and Carmelo go back a ways. One thing we learned on his “Beginnings” episode is that J.R. is a family man – he spends lots of time staying with his parents. The only difference here is J.R. seems to actually like his parents, and George dreads spending time with them. Oh, and we also have the fact that George has been labeled by Jerry and Kramer as a “chucker” in “The Boyfriend”. J.R. takes his fair share of shots.

Cole Aldrich – Kramer

Tall and goofy-looking at times on the court. His game looks odd and unconventional at times with his heavy use of the jump-hook, though it’s very effective. Kramer’s also very unconventional and unique, yet always manages to charm people into liking/entering business ventures with him. Kramer is also the fashionista of the group, and Cole’s Christmas sweater proves that he’s got plenty of fashion sense himself.

Iman Shumpert – Elaine Benes

Whenever Iman walks into the locker room before a game, he’s almost always singing or rapping whatever he’s listening to. Sometimes, he’s even rapping without any headphones on. He’s not afraid to express himself, much like Elaine. He wears bold outfits to games, and doesn’t really seem to care if people judge. He’s also dating Teyana Taylor, and Elaine certainly had the eye of some famous members of the opposite sex throughout the show. Also, I could totally see Shumpert sitting in the owner’s box at a Giants game wearing a Bears hat.

Amar’e Stoudemire – Tim Whatley

This one, admittedly, is mainly because both of them converted to Judaism mid-way through their lives. The similarities don’t stop there – they both have beards at one point, and they both have a generous portrayal of themselves to the outside world. Dentists aren’t real doctors.

Andrea Bargnani – Bob Sacamano

Always hear about him. Never see him on the floor. Don’t believe he’s a real thing.

Jason Smith – The Drake

Everyone loved the Drake early on! Now, that has changed. Smith’s essentially another Andrea Bargnani – a defensive liability who’s only redeeming quality is his ability to knock down midrange jumpers. What’s to really to love about the Drake?

Quincy Acy – Jack Klompus

I went back and forth between Klompus and David Puddy on this one, but I go with Klompus because of his extremely short temper. Acy has gotten in several altercations this season, including one dust-up with John Wall on Christmas. Klompous also ends arguments by simply shouting “Ahh!” which seems how some on-court confrontations with Quincy would go.

Sam Dalembert – Uncle Leo

He’s always getting in the way on offense, taking jumpshots when he shouldn’t be. But he’s a nice guy on the outside! “Carmelo! Hello! Come here and give me a hug!” Leo also has a very serious and no-nonsense side, which Dalembert has when he’s on defense.

Jose Calderon – Babu Bhatt

He came to this team meaning well, but because he’s surrounded with a cast like this, with a few volume shooters and inexperienced players, his best efforts still result in a loss. I feel like there are a few moments during the season where calling someone a “very, very bad man,” would be justified, too.

Pablo Prigioni – The Soup Nazi

“NO INBOUND PASS FOR YOU!” He’s a fan favorite.

Shane Larkin – Mike Moffit

Short, but packs a real punch. Don’t get it twisted – I don’t think Shane Larkin would ever call anyone a phony.

Tim Hardaway Jr. – Bob Cobb

Somewhat of a maestro from the arc. Friends with Elaine. Keeps his locker neat.

Travis Wear – Aaron, the Close Talker

Full disclosure: Wear is not a close talker. But he seems like a down-to-earth guy, who’s generous with the ball on the floor and runs the offense as he’s supposed to. Watch him play enough and you may actually start to really like the guy. Then you wonder, though, why is he playing team basketball? Why is he knocking down shots? The same reason Aaron hung out with Jerry’s parents for hours on end – none!

Derek Fisher – J Peterman

A boss who talks in long sentences and projects profoundly, using big words from time to time. Yet at the end, you realize they just gave you a short, basic answer. It’s a talent which I really wish I had, and Fisher is one of the best at it.

Steve Mills – Kenny Bania

I imagine every time Phil Jackson pitches an idea for a transaction to Steve Mills, he simply replies, “That’s Gold, Phil! Gold!”

James Dolan – Newman

He’s the enemy of the Knicks’ fan base. Plus, how many times have you times this season have you snapped your fingers and said “Dolan!”

Phil Jackson – Lloyd Braun

The entire time Lloyd Braun is around, George’s mother asks him “Why can’t you be like Lloyd Braun?” He’s held up as this perfect figure. Jackson, to the Knicks, is the man to aspire to be like. As a player, he was a great defender and had a high basketball IQ. He won two titles with the Knicks. Then he won many more as a coach. Remember those words Jerry told George at the end of “The Gum”? That Lloyd had become more like George? Could the last decade of turmoil surrounding the Knicks be infecting Jackson? We’ll wait and see.

 

I’m sure you will disagree with me on some of these, please comment below or take the discussion to Twitter by tweeting me @KennyDucey

 

Kenny Ducey covers the Knicks, is an on-air host, and a voice of Fordham Basketball on WFUV. Follow him on Twitter.

 

Author's Note: A special thanks to Robert Silverman and Robby Kalland for their help.